Some Words of Wisdom!

"He, who fears he will suffer, already suffers from his fears."- Michel Eyquen

That which you resist will persist.

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.

"When the heart grieves over what it has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left." - Sufi

"If you keep doing what you've always done - you'll keep getting what you've always gotten." - Kenneth Blanchard

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." - Joseph Campbell

How can anyone ever love you for who you are if you become someone else to be with them?

You can only see others as clearly as you see yourself.

Your relationships reflect your fears and limits. How can anyone ever give you what you won't allow?

Happiness lies ahead for those who cry; those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

People become what they expect themselves to become.

Honor your feelings. They tell the truth about how you really experience the world.


A lot of what these quotes are referring to, manifest themselves in reasons for us to want to abuse ourselves in one way or another. A couple of the subjects addressed are FEAR and RESENTMENT. If you are an alcoholic or just plain in a bad place in life, I hope these words help.

The Past Month!!!

January 14, 2008

Life is good because:

You didn’t drink last night and you woke up without the guilty feelings

You don’t feel like shit and you don’t have a headache

You don’t have to worry about how much energy you will have at work

You didn’t fuck up anything yesterday.

You have a confident feeling, not a feeling of failure

You can enjoy the small things in life because you notice them

You can think of the things you have to do to move forward in life.

_­You have enough energy to write this!

January 13, 2008 #2

You did it! This weekend wasn’t as dramatic as last, but you were just as close to falling in the pit. But you maintained and you didn’t go to the liquor store. You didn’t sip the poison because you have finally found a way to imagine the part that you don’t like and not only the part that you like. You had been feeling like there was nowhere to go once you got started down that path and that is still true. You have reached the end of the drinking road…Not the using! Don’t forget that…There are other things that you can become addicted to that can quite possibly cause a lot of problems for you, but as of right now I wouldn’t concern myself with that if I were you.

Positives…You had some quality time with your daughter and she is really responding to the newer version of you. She is still not old enough to understand that you were a drunk before. If you continue down this path, there are many good things ahead. Once again congrats. You continue to surprise yourself. Now Enjoy the chocolate milk and yogurt along with the movie and then go to sleep!! Holla!

January 13, 2008

You are right on the edge right now. Don’t do it. Don’t go. It will be ok. You want to run right now and It’s been building for a few days. You used to hit the sauce and it would remedy the situation for a little while, but you always have to deal with the fallout afterwards. Besides that you don’t like the way you feel the first couple of days after a binge. The other problem is that you want to use again if you don’t binge. What’s the purpose without a binge. No need to use if you don’t binge and nowdays you can’t binge. Financially or responsibly. You just had a tift with wife and understandably so. She is being bitchy. She doesn’t want your daughter to come over to your house because she is worried about your son. You are expecting too much if you think that these situations can be avoided.

Different point. There has always been a point when you gave up and said you can’t fight off the demons any longer…Like fuck it. We are there so you might as well take it and try again next time. I don’ t think you have to do that this time. Remember that you will not be happy with yourself tomorrow.

What do you want to run from? Or do you just want to feel the from the alcohol. I think this time is a bit of both. So what is it about your life that you think is so painful that you would want to numb yourself from it. Well your daughter is here right now and you have a choice. You can go to the store and get some drink and it will probably lead to mistrust with your wife and ex wife. It will lead them to believe that you are never going to change and you will also be letting yourself down. You don’t want to fail, more than you actually want to drink. But man it would feel good today. You have a ton of pain killer and you can get a proper high off of 2,000 yen. But then what. You have to come down and deal with that feeling tomorrow. You have some problems. Now you are feeling like you want to fail. What’s up with that? Maybe that’s the real crux of the problem. You are afraid to succeed. Your daughter is here…Go be a father.

January 9, 2008

Beautiful Day today. It’s sunny and I’m sober…The air is cool…I’m listening to a track that I made from one of the samples that I have wanted to use for many years. It is so satisfying to realize that I hadn’t wasted all of those years studying and teaching myself how to do this thing called making music. May never make another dime, but I will always be able to release some stress and create something. Most people cant’ make the claim to be able to create something. Speaking of studying, I did little research thanks to an assistant professor at Harvard and found out how I will be able to continue my studies from afar and over the internet. It was actually an exhilarating feeling because it’s attainable and doable and I want to do it. It instantly made me want to go to work more and save money…I can take a course or two per session over the next couple of years and build up enough credit to become credible in the Psychology community. It’s perfect for me. I don’t have to deal with all of the other riff raff involved like going to class and the campus politics…I can simply study. It’s funny..This music and the schooling have finally evolved into something that I can do and not only do, but excel at. One of the residual results of my coming to Japan is my ability to understand the English language…I also read more often than I ever did. Maybe not such academic material, but reading none the less. I’m excited about the future. It’s genuine excitement and not the manufactured excitement of boozing and carousing. I love myself and my life right now. I gotta keep movin in a positive direction which is to the shower and then to the gym right now!

January 8, 2008

Hey Hey Hey! The day before yesterday was probably the biggest test in your sober life. You had every emotional reason to go get a drink and you didn’t. I have to shake your hand. I didn’t think you had it in you. First your wife, then your daughter, and then your ex-wife. Seems like they teamed up and tried to test your metal. Well they found out that you are serious about this and they seemed to be thankful. All of them. Even the daughter.

Your wife did some things that you anticipated but I think you are beginning to understand. She says a lot of things and she is pushing you, but she is also trying to find herself. There are problems in this relationship and God knows that you are a big part of them. Just keep pushing day to day and remember the positive things. Life won’t ever be perfect so don’t expect it to be and don’t be so surprised when it’s not.

Look at the bright side. Most days won’t be like that.

January 5, 2008

Good morning…Headed back to work. Wow! A very long 7 days and by no means was this a vacation. You did however, get a few things accomplished that you had wanted to do before. First thing is that you have also gotten your wife to understand the usefulness of doing the bills each day or every other day. So far I can see that we have been spending at least 100 bucks a month in excess on food and other things. This has been a problem for a long time, because she has been saying that you have been spending the money. That’s only half true and it’s another reason why you have to stay sober. She made a promise and hopefully she will keep it. You know you will keep your end of the bargain. But that’s not the big thing. You need to worry about keeping your end of the bargain to yourself. You also did a lot regarding the computer and your music. Two major things is the downloading and getting the basics of two essential programs for your music. You still need to find out a couple more things for your vocal recording, but you also got some video ability. That’s exciting. You also got program running that will allow you to do things with samples that you have been wanting to do for a long long time. Maybe 20 years. They finally caught up and you finally got a hold of the tools. This is interesting because you haven’t spent a dime on the stuff. That means that you paid enough in the past and Life has afforded you a second opportunity and possible the opportunity to teach your little boy!

Today you go back to work. Stay positive. Remember that this is not a bad job by any means of the imagination and it is helpful to a lot of people. You offer a service and you represent your culture when you do this job. Be thankful that you have this work. Without it you wouldn’t be able to do any of the things that you do now or will be able to do in the future.

January 3, 2008

Yeah you fell down…A 3 day binge. You knew it was coming and you know one of the big factors is the person that you live with wants you to fail. Hopefully that won’t continue. You can look at the positive side of things and understand that you will be able to make this happen because you don’t want to be drunk. You want to move ahead and do positive things…Build a life and do some things that you have been wanting to do for a long. Time.

She is doing it again so don’t invest yourself in believing that she will be able to make any changes. I think you know that she is not interested in helping you. She wants to take and take and take and take. Now that the money is low, she will act as if she is your friend and you are working toward the same things, but I’m sure you will see a bit change later on this month when the money comes.

So this leaves you at the same place you were before you fell down and that is…What are you going to do if that is the case? What are you going to do if she continues to attempt to drag you down? She will do that because she doesn’t want you to leave her and she is worried that if you have a strong demeanor and are able to carry yourself that you will leave her…So she tries to make you weak. So what you are going to have to do is avoid the confrontational situations. You just can’t allow her to take your strength or change your focus.

Right now you are angry, but you have two more days of vacation left, so just take it slow…Take a shower, go to the gym, get some things for your computer to do music with. Take a walk in the park. Go to the driving range. Just relax your mind and get to a positive place.

December 27, 2007

Congrats…You finally got her to say it out loud. So now you don’t feel like you are going crazy and you no longer have to give her the benefit of the doubt. You know that there is absolutely no love in this relationship. It’s impossible for it to exist. As well you have to come to the conclusion that she has never really loved you. She just wanted to use you as a means to an end. That is true. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that she needs you. She only needs your money and would as soon be done with you if she had the financial means. She has been saying that she doesn’t care about you. For some reason you have been holding on and hoping that she will see the light…the good side of you and come around, but the truth is…She is incapable of doing that. Try not to forget that she is going to get confused and angry tonight when you tell her that she has to pay the Electric bill and Eisuke’s insurance.

Remember that she is afraid. She is afraid of many things on many levels. She hasn’t seen this side of you and she isn’t fully on board. She is confused and she is lost. She is telling you that she is confused about her role in the family and this relationship. You are squeezing her out of everything that she knows. Try to remember that. Change is hardly ever welcome. You will be successful! Keep pushing.

December 26, 2007

Good for you! You did it for real yesterday. The demons they came. I could actually smell the sake and perfume of exploits past. Man I was feelin it at work. My job requires me to, a bit more than occasionally, sit about 2 feet away from extremely attractive women for 40-80 minutes at a time. This is extremely difficult for me to endure without thinking of so many experiences that involve sex and alcohol. Mind you these are great memories. Of course there are many negative memories, but at those moments they are a million miles away. But I managed to fight them off.

Yeah you did, but you also came home in a negative mood and had a fight with your wife. But is it because of that or are you genuinely feeling something negative because she is being negative. I think that she isn’t the happiest person in the world right now. She has lost her identity, she has been hurt and in her mind, a victim. You have again recently taken away some power so she feels even more helpless. You know that you are doing it, or at least you feel as if you are doing it for the greater good of the family in the long run. The fact that you aren’t drinking but she says that she didn’t ask you to stop, is an irrational response and you have to try to understand that she is confused and mistrusting. You haven’t given her many things to believe in throughout this relationship, so you can’t expect her to be gungho about the current situation. You just have to remain positive and maintain the current course. You ARE doing the right thing for all those involved.

Your son was happy today. He is only 7 1/2 months old, but he gave you a smile and acknowledged that you had given him something that he liked. It was a brief moment, but it was beautiful. There will be many more of those in the future so keep plugging away for him.

Regarding the job, you did a good job at the end of the month. You even worked a 7 day work week to make up for the time off in the beginning of the month. You should be able to cover the expenses next month and you should be able to take care of your tax situation and save a bit when you get your tax return for next year. If you don’t get what you expecting or if something else goes awry just stay positive. Things will work themselves out. Don’t stress missing the gym too much. You will go soon. You know you will. Stay up!

December 21, 2007

Congrats…You made it thru a big bump in the road and you didn’t reach out for a drink. This sober period is based on different feelings than before and I think you are going to be able to make it out of the drunken Jungle. This is more about respect for yourself and confidence in your ability to maintain your direction. There is a lingering problem, a threat, to your sobriety, but I have confidence that you are going to make it. Your wife is worried. This is new territory for her and she is afraid that you will use your newfound strength to leave her. She can’t keep up. Try your best to be gentle with her and see things from her perspective. You know that she has weaknesses and you also know that your weaknesses were her crutch. Her ability to continue was based on her feeling superior to you. When you take that away she won’t have anything to base her self worth on. You have to help and guide her to an independent sense of self worth. You can only do that by doing it yourself. Don’t berate or belittle but build and bolster her with your emerging strength.

December 19, 2007

So you guys hit a bump in the road today. Mostly over mistrust about money and the sad part is that you were both right. She HAD put in an extra \10,000 and you HAD documented everything correctly.

December 18, 2007

Big Big No no! It’s been 5 days since you wrote anything and you have been feeling a lot of things. The negativity is creeping up little by little. But let’s talk about the good things. This past five days you actually got a few things done. You made a spreadsheet to organize the household finances. You have been wanting to do this type of thing for many years. Now it has become a reality and should eliminate one of the major issues that you and your wife fight about. How the money gets spent. You took your phone to get repaired. You had been procrastinating about that for a couple of months. Rationalizing that you were holding off because you didn’t want your wife to worry about the people who are contacting you. The reality is that having a phone is just another thing that you need to use some discipline to control. Can you do that? The inappropriate thoughts have been circling around since you’ve gotten the loaner phone. Can you hold back? I hope so. What else did you accomplish? You went to get a couple of odd and ends for the house. You actually took the movie back when you said you were going to and it took a bit more effort than usual. You went on a family day outing and carried your son around for hours. He had a blast. Smiled almost the entire time. That’s really what this is all about. When you drink you don’t have enough energy to be there for your children. Once again you shouldn’t dwell on the first experience. It is a product of a desperate situation and now it has become a desperate situation. So how do you feel about yourself? I feel pretty good, but I seem to continue to find ways to be negative when I’m alone. I find myself having arguments with my ex and my wife about things that haven’t happened yet. What is that all about? Is it possible to stay positive all of the time? Probably not…It’s not possible to stay in any one mood forever. But do I need to create the negative tones? I don’t think so. So what are you going to do about your situation with your daughter? I think you should stay the course and remain patient. Take it day by day and don’t try to rush yourself into too much emotional responsibility. That will jeopardize your sobriety. You don’t want to do that. You can feel the physical and emotional strength building. There will be a point that it plateaus so be ready for that and don’t take it like failure. You haven’t lost any weight. Probably because your mental discipline is still lacking when it comes to food. So many things to resist. Wow. Is it really worth it in the end? What is the reward? I think the reward is a different life…Write to your aunt and your cousin Rina. She is having a baby and no matter how far away they are, they are still your blood. You made a promise to abstain for 21 days and you will be able to do that with the alcohol, but the sex is becoming a much bigger problem. You are plotting some type of action and it seems to be uncontrollable. But then that means that you don’t have control over yourself. The addictive rationalization process has begun. What are you going to do about that? What can you do? You can try to have sex with your wife. But why don’t you want to have sex with your wife? Because it’s not about the sex. It’s about the excitement. You have to keep reminding yourself about that….But is that completely true. There is a physical element of sexual satisfaction, right? Or is that another chemical addiction that can be managed with exercise, vitamins and candid conversation? I think it is the latter of the two and it’s another character challenge that you need to take. But unlike the drinking, there needs to be a point that the abstaining ends. Right? I think so. Right? Well anyway try not to focus on that too much right now. Well the real confusing part about that. Your wife has given you a mixed message. You also see a lot of successful marriages that involve infidelity. There is also the point that you have made many times in the past. Women don’t leave because you sleep with another woman. Their fear is that you will fall for the other woman and leave them. She doesn’t want you to leave. She understands what men are all about so you aren’t really worried about that too much. You are really more concerned with your inability to keep sex and alcohol separate. So do this. Promise yourself that you won’t have sex with another woman until the 90 day point. After that you can indulge a bit. But you tend to fall for other chicks. Where will it lead? Would it be worth the risk? Will you have that much control over your emotions and physical addictions? Wait and see…You may surprise yourself.