12/13/2007
You almost skipped two days of writing in your diary. I think that is a big no no. You are angry with your wife. Or is it sad or hurt or disappointed? Whatever it is, it isn’t a positive feeling. You are not happy with the fact that she broke the promise that you made and she hasn’t mentioned the fact that she did that. But you know that she is sorry. She told you tonight in not so many words, and she knows that there is something amiss within you. Don’t punish her and don’t be afraid to tell her how you feel. Maybe she knows already, but you should make sure she does so there isn’t any confusion. But be kind and gentle. Maybe let it go. See how things play out, but whatever you do, don’t let negative feelings begin to take over. You are doing quite well right now. The demons are at arms length and you seem to have found a place within you that you like. You have been doing a great job of going to the gym. You need to calculate your expenses for the next couple of months to insure that you continue down this path. There are a couple of other things that you need to talk to yourself about in depth. A couple of things that are going to become a problem in the future. They are sex and excitement. What are you going to do with those addictions when the time comes. There is much more introspection to be done. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are there. You have a long way to go, but keep up the good work. Let go of those negative feelings for your wife. You know she can’t control herself anymore than you can, and she isn’t aware of how to handle these things. You have to show her by example, not words. She is your wife and she is loyal. She isn’t going anywhere so help her while you help yourself.
12/10/2007
Well…Yesterday was a great day. A family day. I really felt the family vibe. We were just-- together and My Wife was great. I felt no sense of stress or fear. We were finally working as a team and we both noticed it. She said that we were living her dream. She has simple wants and needs. I have to pay attention to that fact and respect them for what they are. I am a bit more ambitious, but that doesn’t mean that she is any less of a person because she needs less. She’s probably smarter than I. I discovered that using the baby sling made me a lot more comfortable about handling our son because I can carry him for a longer period of time and I can keep him close. That keeps him comfortable. The demons didn’t appear yesterday. I know they are out there waiting. I will be ready for them next time. Last time was difficult, but we made it thru.
I don’t know if I should feel guilty about this, but I don’t think so. Last night I started writing a song about a past love affair. Not just a…The love affair that almost cost me my marriage and my family. Sometimes I think about her and the times that we had. They were special, but they are gone now. They died with our child. But the memories are special ones to me and I feel that I should express them in some way or another. Writing a song, I think, is as good a way as any. I love my wife more and more each day, and I feel very strongly that we won’t run into the same situation in the near future. We are starting to understand that it’s we and not I and me. I’m waking up at the same time almost everyday. Things are really going in the right direction, so I really can’t fuck this up. All of the elements are in place. The circumstances will not get any better than this. Don’t forget that.
About my daughter and my ex-wife. I am working on the guilt of not feeling much guilt because I don’t see her nearly as much as I should. However, I’ve been thinking about the effort that I have made and I think that I have made a tremendous sacrifice. I don’t have the strength to fight with her mother and subject myself to her judgmental negative abusive and controlling attitude. Granted at some point in the future I will be able to make more of an effort, I hope. But as of right now, I have what I was looking for and I need to whatever it takes to hold on to that. That’s the reality. Reality is most often not the ideal situation. I love you Ema.
What just happened…Why did cry? What is the pain or the problem? You feel that confliction and pain and anger and frustration and all of those emotions flowing into you at once and you don’t know what you can do. You feel so utterly lost that you can’t do the things you used to...that you can’t have a drink right now. You are angry because you don’t feel like it’s your fault that you can’t drink…The reality is that you can’t drink because it’s not good for your life. This feeling will pass…How long it will take, I don’t know, but the positive energy will come back. You can feel it coming back now. You don’t have to worry or fear anything. If you can’t do it (handle taking care of your son) then you just can’t do it. You have to worry about yourself and your sobriety. That’s the only and I mean, ONLY priority. Don’t think about anything else. Remember that there is some type of magic at the end of 90 days…Promise you that. 90 days means the beginning of the new life. The life that you want and need to proceed in doing what you are supposed to do. Don’t feel guilty that you are incapable of doing the things that people expect you to do with your child. You said that you weren’t ready and it’s true. Nothing to be ashamed of there. You can’t muster the strength to do this any more than you can pick up a car. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. All you can do is communicate what you are feeling and thinking and if that isn’t good enough for them, then the problem lies within them. You are in no condition to be helping people, let alone supporting and raising a child. You need the support and encouragement for yourself and since there aren’t many people that will do that for you, you have to do it for yourself. The demons won’t go away today, but you can’t give up. You made a promise to your wife and yourself. You are going to have to live with this right now and for as long as it takes for it to pass. I know you can feel that cool sake running into your system and the beginning of the high as you float into the sunshine and coolness of the day. The carefree nature of the whole experience and how it leads you to both good and bad things. It makes the most mundane activities interesting and you are actually an interesting person when you are in that state. But that is all about instant gratification and that isn’t that you are looking for. You are looking for what you see that other people have. The thing that a lot of them take for granted. The togetherness. The being there. I think what happened just now is that Shoko was thinking about herself and what she wanted to do and didn’t answer my question. Maybe she thought that I knew or she didn’t care. It was a two part question. Is he sleepy or hungry. The answer was both so we should have just fed him and let him go back to sleep. You knew that and you relied on the opinion of someone else. That is something that you shouldn’t let happen anymore. If you let them they will take advantage and you can’t have any slip ups. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened when you were alone with him, but if you reflect on the past times, you couldn’t wait for her to get home and give you a reprieve. You felt like a prisoner in a prison that you can’t escape from
12/8/07
It’s a Saturday! It’s a great day. I love my boy and my wife…But I still haven’t been able to enjoy my job again. I hope that I will be able to enjoy it after the first of the year. I’m eating out of fear. What kind of fear is this? I wonder what it is that Is. I’m plenty big enough. Little by little man. You are making strides right now. Don’t try to over do it. You are waking up earlier and earlier. You are at the beginning of a sober spell. This little boy is so precious. He is amazing. Being a father is amazing. It’s nothing to fear. Your first experience wasn’t the right one. This is. Keep striving to be and do better. Good things will happen. You have been promised that. You can feel it. The music is bubbling inside of you. Love is an amazing thing. Keep yourself open to the energies of the world. They are guiding you in the right direction. The demons are coming and coming soon but don’t fear. Just run to yourself and things will be ok. This is the best it’s going to get. If you don’t make it thru this then you won’t be able to try again for a long time. The end is only one fight away. You will end up hurting your wife and you know this. Stay positive. Go to the gym…Work on your mind and soul. You don’t have a schedule so don’t worry too much right now. Relax your mind. It’s important that you learn how to do this while your family is here. You can’t be alone forever. Don’t be too pushy and don’t stress soo much. Things will work out as long as you let them. You can’t continue using the caffeine like that. You need to continue to raise your natural metabolism. Make a list of things that you want to do. You haven’t done that yet. You completed the last one.
12/6/07
Harboring some issues with my job and the way that management handles things. I shouldn’t let these things get to me. I have to make a decision about this. So the decision is to write a letter and send it to them to start off the year and let them know how you feel. Stop being scared that you are going to fuck up and give them a reason to fire you. Operating from fear is not the way to go and you know that. Dealing with the issue of what is going on right now. You said that you didn’t want any mental strain. You don’t want any mental strain, and now you don’t have any. Relax. Enjoy this time. It won’t last forever…It won’t last for another week. Maybe. So this is a challenge that you are going to take. Don’t look at your schedule from your house. This is an obsessive behavior and it is causing you stress. It is also a sign of a lack of self discipline. You have to control your mind and your impulses. You have today and tomorrow and they aren’t going to be busy. Enjoy. You won’t die. You will have enough money to enjoy yourself and you will have your family. Most of all, you will have yourself and you will be able to do a multitude of things that you haven’t done yet. This is Japan and there are sooo many things for you to do and see and enjoy that don’t involve alcohol. About the job. Don’t create a fight with them. They don’t quite understand you. You should be ok in the coming months. Lots less pressure and the ability to generate the necessary money that you need. You also need the time to go out and take advantage of your past. It is there for the taking. Don’t ignore it. Stay up and take your ass to the gym!
12/5/07
There was some magic in this relationship. I felt it. I remember it when I listen to this song. The feeling that she understood me and it was true. I lost that feeling somewhere along the way. She is sensitive and she is mine. My wife. She isn’t going to leave unless I do something that makes her leave. This loyalty should be and is enough for me. I hadn’t been taught about these types of things and I expected so much. But she can’t possibly give me more than total loyalty. She doesn’t speak English and she tries her best. I love her for that. Open that door and leave it open. Let all of the love rush out and pour onto her. Let her feel the magic. Show her who you know you can be. She is a great woman and will reciprocate. Trust your feelings, your intuition. You can see this happening all around you in good ways and that means you can see them happening in a bad way. This is a gift. A true gift. Don’t be afraid of it, and don’t ignore it. You don’t have to tell anyone about it. You shouldn’t tell anyone about it. It’s yours. It’s between you and God. Enjoy!
12/4/07
I love my son sooo much! I imagine that I would feel the same way when I see my daughter but I don’t see her that much. Actually I’m sure about that because I feel so much pain when I have to leave her. I can’t forget the way I feel when I see my son in our home, because if I do, I will lose that feeling. Meaning, I will fight with my wife and she will leave me and leave me with a whole in my soul. I have to try and find a way to not only forgive my wife, but help her feel that she made the right choice by getting pregnant. I don’t think that she wants to or wanted to break up this family. Actually she tried her hardest to make a family and you know what…She did the right thing. So you have to let it go, and stop worrying about her manipulating you again. She will probably get you into some good situations. Don’t feel guilty because you don’t have the mental strength to handle this situation now. You may be able to do it in the future. Take some of the pressure off of yourself. Take a lot of pressure off of yourself. If you really believe that you didn’t try to do this, then you don’t have any pressure. Fighting the responsibility is making you tired. If you take the pressure off of you, you won’t get angry and try to fight…If you believe what you say, you will be relaxed.
12/3/07
Here I sit…All alone. This what you said to yourself that you wanted. I think you need it. The future is scary, but it will always be scary. You have to find something different for you to do with your time. You know that the alcohol has a grip on you and you have to escape. You saw the possibilities once before. You can’t allow yourself to fool yourself into believing that you can drink. It’s not ok. Simple as that. So you have to stop letting yourself and everyone else around you down. You have to find something to believe in. You don’t have a dream or a focus or a cause. You can feel these things right below the surface, but you can’t seem to muster up the strength to act on those feelings. You have to find another way to bring joy into your life. Something else to blow off your steam. You have to let go of who you were and become who you want to be. That guy is a nice guy, not so cool. Simple in many ways. You have to find the strength to be strong for the people around you. They need you, but more importantly, you need you. Make a list of things that you want to accomplish and then do them. You know that this will work. You should continue writing, because it helps you release the demon thoughts that haunt you. You have to or you will end up in a very bad place. It’s not too late. Did you see the look in your daughter’s eyes. You have said this before, but you have to be understanding with her mother and not let her poison your thoughts. You have to look at your wife…Yes, that’s right, you have a wife. And she loves you. You know that so try to talk to her in a more kind way. Stop lying to yourself and telling yourself that you are the same person when you drink. You know you aren’t. Don’t think you are a boring person when you don’t drink. That’s not true and you know it. You are more interesting and you like yourself even more when you don’t drink. You have to take control of your life. If you can’t get help, then go to the sink and get the water yourself. You know how to do that. Why have you given up on that very important part of your personality? It’s one of the things that makes you you. Where did you lose yourself? Why do you have so much self pity and loathing for yourself. You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. What are you so angry about? Why is your opinion of yourself so low? Is it because you felt like you have failed yourself in every aspect of your life? It is because you have failed yourself in every aspect of your life, up until now. Now is the time for you to go after the things that you want. Don’t be so afraid of success. You constantly lie to yourself and say that you don’t want to be successful with a lot of money. The truth is that you are afraid you will fail if you try, so you don’t try. That is very weak of you and you know it. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Try to make it a good one. Go to your job and provide the people who come there with something meaningful. They need and respect you. You should do more to reach out to other people and create a true network of friends. Let them share in knowing you. You have a lot to offer. Let them share with you. They have a lot to offer. Come down off your high horse. We are all just people and they are probably doing a better job of living life than you. Enjoy your work. It’s a noble job.
