Been a while...

I haven't been writing on this blog for a while. I have been posting on other blogs in other places. Mostly on a website dedicated to personal development. My life is in transition. A period has come to an end. A goal has been reached successfully. It is time to move on to other things. I have some big pains and tremendous hope ahead of me. I need to progress in my business life. I am a creator. I create. Things and situations. I have not been able to do that for the past 5 years. Japan is not that type of society. I went to Los Angeles recently and had more opportunities to take a shot at success than I have had in the entire past 5 years here in Japan. I am happy overall and I can feel the forward momentum. The future will be an adventure. What else can I ask for?

Forming new Habits...

The reason they say 90 meetings in 90 days is to form and ingrain a new habit into our daily lives. The point of it is to actually replace the "using" with another life activity.

I've been to over 50 but meetings didn't do it for me. Too much talk about alcohol. They were like a trigger. I wanted to drink every time I left one. However, I highly recommend them for everyone who is trying to quit using. The system is solid and there is a lot of useful information to be had.

That being said without going to meetings, my biggest obstacle to staying sober was figuring out..."What do I do if I don't use?".

My journey to this point started About 5 years ago when I started marking an X on my calendar for everyday I was sober and a D for everyday I took a drink. I did that off and on for a few years and I noticed that I would be able to string out more X marks from time to time and I would shorten the amount of D marks. It went from 4 X marks in a row. *relapse period 5 D marks* To 6 X marks. *relapse period 4 D marks* To 12 X marks. *relapse period* To 14. *relapse period* To 28. *relapse period* To 40. *relapse period* and so on with different combinations in between. Before I stopped this time, I was consistently not drinking for more than 2 days in a row.

Each time I found a period of sobriety I would make some adjustments to my lifestyle and after I relapsed I would try to implement them again. In other words, I would fall down but I would get back up, and my legs got a bit stronger each time I started on my way again.

Then last year after my second divorce I started with taking a 5 minute walk near my house every day, rain or shine, hung over or not, so I could pray and give thanks for being alive. That turned into going there by the same time every morning hung over or not. Which has become going there everyday by the same time every morning completely sober. It has been a process played out over time.

After that I started replacing my "club girls" with "sober girls" even if I was still drinking. Then, "Drunk night sex" with "half sober-day after sex", and then "completely sober sex" which was a real challenge at first. This led to a relationship with a non-user, which makes a huge difference for me in staying sober over the long haul.

I also replaced listening to my favorite music (too many using memories) with watching documentaries about musicians and other things that spark my interest. No movies about parties and won't even consider going to a bar or even a concert. I watch fun movies with a positive message, mindless action, or intelligent drama. I try to avoid films about disfunctional alcoholics with family problems, films with depressing themes, and so on...

Now I am at 49 X marks. 90 days of repeating the same activity is what ingrains the habit into our subconscious mind and gives us a new habit. Over halfway there and I can feel it. The cravings are not there.

I know I'm a newbie at 7 weeks but I have been thru the rollercoaster ride of stopping and fighting the urges to do the same things. This doesn't seem to be the same ole' S***. All of the adjustments seem to be giving me a new lifestyle, not just a "no drinking" way of life. This time I feel like I'm on solid ground and moving forward, instead of fighting not to go backwards. This time I feel less fear. This time I feel like it is real.

Self Actualizer

One way in which Maslow approach the problem of what is self-actualization, is to talk about the special, driving needs (B-needs, of course) of the self-actualizers. They need the following in their lives in order to be happy:

Truth, rather than dishonesty.
Goodness, rather than evil.
Beauty, not ugliness or vulgarity.
Unity, wholeness, and transcendence of opposites, not arbitrariness or forced choices.
Aliveness, not deadness or the mechanization of life.
Uniqueness, not bland uniformity.
Perfection and necessity, not sloppiness, inconsistency, or accident.
Completion, rather than incompleteness.
Justice and order, not injustice and lawlessness.
Simplicity, not unnecessary complexity.
Richness, not environmental impoverishment.
Effortlessness, not strain.
Playfulness, not grim, humorless, drudgery.
Self-sufficiency, not dependency.
Meaningfulness, rather than senselessness.

Self-Actualizers: These people were reality-centered, which means they could differentiate what is fake and dishonest from what is real and genuine. They were problem-centered, meaning they treated life's difficulties as problems demanding solutions, not as personal troubles to be railed at or surrendered to. And they had a different perception of means and ends. They felt that the ends don’t necessarily justify the means, that the means could be ends themselves, and that the means -- the journey -- was often more important than the ends.

The self-actualizers also had a different way of relating to others. First, they enjoyed solitude, and were comfortable being alone. And they enjoyed deeper personal relations with a few close friends and family members, rather than more shallow relationships with many people.

They enjoyed autonomy, a relative independence from physical and social needs. And they resisted enculturation, that is, they were not susceptible to social pressure to be "well adjusted" or to "fit in" -- they were, in fact, nonconformists in the best sense.

They had an unhostile sense of humor -- preferring to joke at their own expense, or at the human condition, and never directing their humor at others. They had a quality he called acceptance of self and others, by which he meant that these people would be more likely to take you as you are than try to change you into what they thought you should be. This same acceptance applied to their attitudes towards themselves: If some quality of theirs wasnt harmful, they let it be, even enjoying it as a personal quirk. On the other hand, they were often strongly motivated to change negative qualities in themselves that could be changed. Along with this comes spontaneity and simplicity: They preferred being themselves rather than being pretentious or artificial. In fact, for all their nonconformity, he found that they tended to be conventional on the surface, just where less self-actualizing nonconformists tend to be the most dramatic.

Further, they had a sense of humility and respect towards others -- something Maslow also called democratic values -- meaning that they were open to ethnic and individual variety, even treasuring it. They had a quality Maslow called human kinship or Gemeinschaft -- social interest, compassion, humanity. And this was accompanied by a strong ethics, which was spiritual but seldom conventionally religious in nature.

And these people had a certain freshness of appreciation, an ability to see things, even ordinary things, with wonder. Along with this comes their ability to be creative, inventive, and original. And, finally, these people tended to have more peak experiences than the average person. A peak experience is one that takes you out of yourself, that makes you feel very tiny, or very large, to some extent one with life or nature or God. It gives you a feeling of being a part of the infinite and the eternal. These experiences tend to leave their mark on a person, change them for the better, and many people actively seek them out. They are also called mystical experiences, and are an important part of many religious and philosophical traditions.

Maslow doesn't think that self-actualizers are perfect, of course. There were several flaws or imperfections he discovered along the way as well: First, they often suffered considerable anxiety and guilt -- but realistic anxiety and guilt, rather than misplaced or neurotic versions. Some of them were absentminded and overly kind. And finally, some of them had unexpected moments of ruthlessness, surgical coldness, and loss of humor.

Two other points he makes about these self-actualizers: Their values were "natural" and seemed to flow effortlessly from their personalities. And they appeared to transcend many of the dichotomies others accept as being undeniable, such as the differences between the spiritual and the physical, the selfish and the unselfish, and the masculine and the feminine.

Me and My Girl!

It concerns me.

These are things I have noticed that are considered red flags and now that I have discussed my problems, I need to pay attention to these things to make sure that I can deal with them in the future.

I have noticed that you debate with me like you understand every word that I’m saying even though English is not your native language and you have never lived in a foreign country. Is this even possible? It concerns me.

I have noticed that when I respect your decision to go to sleep when I can't sleep and you say that you are tired, in the morning you wake up and start to take your things and claim the relationship is over. It concerns me.

I have noticed that many times you say I don’t remember what happened in a given situation, but you remember exactly what happened and I was wrong. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you never say, you don’t remember what happened. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you start crying very quickly in public places about things like which toilet to go to. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you are not so willing to talk about yourself and your life history. I really don’t know much about your past. I have asked you many times to share these things with me but you don’t. It is your prerogative, but it concerns me.

I have asked you many times to explain and share things about your religion and the topics of your studying. You said you would but you didn’t do that on your own. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you will suddenly get upset about something in the middle of a story that has nothing to do with the current situation. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you are constantly saying that I’m not listening to you, even when I’m listening to you. It concerns me.

I have heard you say things about me like “I’m really broken or I only want you for your money or I didn’t buy your dinner because we used your credit card”. These things are very mean and simply not true. It concerns me.

I have noticed that I have said that you don’t do things when I ask you nicely, a lot of times. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you have very strong opinions about things that you don’t understand and you tend to judge people based on these opinions. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you get upset when I say you don’t understand. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you say you understand some thing that is very important, but then later you say you didn’t understand that same thing. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you have changed your mind or the rules because “it depends on the situation”, but it is unfair for others to do that and when they do you get very upset. It concerns me.

I have noticed that whenever there is a situation you get very very upset if I said you got upset first. Even when you got upset first. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you to say “no no no” when you hear something that you don’t like even though it is true. It concerns me.

I have noticed that you say you love me and you want to be with me forever even though you think I drink too much, but I told you that I probably won't stop because I don't have the resources nor the support available to help me do so at this time. It concerns me.

I have noticed that I am fearful of losing you even though I have noticed all of these things. It concerns me.

My Place 3

22 Guaranteed Ways To Destroy A Relationship

Relationships are often hard to maintain, even when two people profess undying love for each other. A major problem in a relationship is that one or both partners continue to make the same errors but then cannot understand why the relationship is in trouble. It is almost as though they are determined to do things their way, even at the risk of damaging a good thing.

In my clinical practice, I have discovered at least 22 errors in thinking and communicating that people make, which if repeated, have the potential of destroying a relationship. Which of the following errors are you making?

1. Rigidly maintain that you are always right, even when you do not have all the facts!

2. Never apologize, even when you are proven wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt!

3. Be relentless in rubbing it in when you are proven right!

4. Dogmatically maintain that you know your partner's motives better than he or she does!

5. Assume that your partner should understand your needs and should respond immediately without being asked!

6. Totally ignore your partner's priorities and insist on your own!

7. Operate on the assumption that your partner's sexual need cycle is identical to yours!

8. Add deep psychological meaning to your partner's sexual disinterest, and take it very personally!

9. Do not ever admit hurt, but go immediately to the expression of anger!

10. Identify your partner's character flaws and family secrets and use them to make a point when logic fails!

11. Use guilt to manipulate, to get your own way or to punish!

12. Become proficient at catching your partner being bad, but do not ever comment if you catch him or her being good!

13. Cut no slack, yield no ground and push your argument until your partner walks out the door... then follow the coward!

14. Do not let go of the past, rehashing your version of it as often as possible!

15. Cling very very tightly, claiming that you will surly die if you are ignored!

16. If you are not a clinger, then stay emotionally/physically distant, and show no signs that you really care for your partner!

17. Make promises, but never keep them!

18. Be factious so you partner never knows when you are being serious!

19. Always make excuses for your bad habits!

20. Insist that what you have to say is always more important that what your partner is saying, so interrupt!

21. Pretend that you understand what you partner has said, even if you have no idea of the point that was being made!

22. Act as though you do none of the above and it is your partner who must make all the changes!

http://www.enotalone.com/article/2350.html

It is your fault...Mister...

If you feel as if someone can't understand you, you should stop asking them to try.

No circumstance has the power to create, change, manipulate or control your emotions. No other human being has the power to create, change, manipulate or control your emotions. I can not control what you’re feeling right now...and neither can anyone you know either, no matter in what form they are communicating with you. .(It's your fault that you feel bad Posted by The Probabilist)

Expecting too much

I think a large part of the frustration that most of us experience in life is due to unrealistic expectations. We often expect too much of life in general, and of other people in particular.

For instance, we may encounter someone who is rude, and we get upset, thinking, How can he treat me that way? Doesn't he know any better? What's wrong with him? I would never treat someone like that!

If you think about it, these questions are mostly pointless.

How can he treat me that way? It's probably the way he treats most people. It's not personal. It's just his way.

Doesn't he know any better? Probably not. There are a lot of people who have never learned the ABCs of appropriate social interaction.

What's wrong with him? Nothing, except he has a blind spot when it comes to dealing with people. We all have blind spots. It's just easier to identify them in others than in ourselves.

I would never treat someone like that! The truth is, all of us behave badly now and then. We excuse it or rationalize or overlook it. Well, so does the person we're complaining about.

By expecting too much, we just drive ourselves crazy. We keep saying that other people "should" be a certain way. They should be more considerate, more competent, more open-minded, more helpful, more sensible, etc. Should, should, should. But people don't behave the way they "should." They behave the way they are. The sooner we accept this and learn to live with it, the less stressed out we'll be.

http://michaelprescott.typepad.com/michael_prescotts_blog/2007/02/expecting_too_m.html

Hiroshima!!! One of the best trips of my life!

RisaBag.com

Personal Inventory

Beginning business MindMap

TechNBoots...Things I like!

Surreal life!

Here it is 2009 and things in my life are so surreal. I have two beautiful healthy children but they are not with me everyday so the moments we have are so amazing every time. There really is no "normal" in my life. I'm from a special town in Florida and I live on the other side of the world in a big city in Japan. I have a job that allows me to virtually work part time but I can afford a nice place and good lifestyle along with helping other people. It also allows me to study again and I'm taking classes from UCLA online...And last but not least...The sex life. Great!! I have a wonderful wonderful woman in my life, who is much more than 80% ok. More like 82%!! So I'm a father, a teacher, a student, and a love machine all at the same time. I'm lucky and life is good! Hope yours is too!